Dead Man's Hand
by Freddd
Summary: - Some people follow wagon tracks while others break new trails - 1868 was a time of revolution and revelation. Most dangerous man in the West, Jonah Hex, found a partner and trust in Calamity Jones, a 17-year-old who thinks she's been dealt all her cards. However, the duo get thrown into futuristic 2009, Jones can't help but think she's really gotten the dead man's hand


The town smelt like death, but at a steady pace, two brown horses with shadowed riders entered it.

One figure was a man, who wore a grey cowboy hat and a red scarf, the other, a young woman who wore a red-checked bandana around her mouth and a knee-length skirt. The wind slowly turned the town windmill around, the creaking of the rusted metal sounding like a foreshadowing instrument. They rode in silence, matching the lack of noise inside the town.

Women and children froze, watching the two riders on their way into the middle of the town. Men stopped their idle chatter on their front porches, instead feigning disinterest in the new arrivals. The young lady turned her head slightly and saw out of the corner of her eye a few of them standing up and coming to the railing in order to get a better look. Smirking slightly, she returned her eyes to the front and continued riding in silence.

Neither of them took any notice of the young blonde who spun a revolver around his finger. However, as they drew nearer to the bar on the outskirts of town, both of them exchanged no more than a short gaze, which held a full conversation and a half. As they halted their horses and dismounted with ease, the footsteps of the young man was heard running up to the porch in front of them, yet they made no clear indication that they had noticed him, simply beginning to tie up their horses.

"Ah know who you are. You're that Jonah Hex."

Pouting slightly, the young woman felt left out, due to the lack of recognition. Still, she followed Hex, who had started walking up the stairs to their joint destination.

"Congratulations."

Grinning at her partner's low murmur of sarcasm and disinterest, the young female straightened her skirt and fixed up her bandana, which dutifully covered the lower half of her face.

"And - and you're that Calamity Jones."

Following Hex's lead, Jones paid no attention except to utter a similarly spoken "Good for you" to the young and cute annoying male. Instead, she continued to match the former male's heavy footsteps, their boots a harmonious 'thunk' on the wooden patio.

"Ah could shoot six bottles offa fence and not miss a one."

Pausing at the doors, Jones and Hex turned their heads towards the blonde.

"Who gives a damn."

"Proud of you."

The former continued his walk around to the saloon doors, whereas the latter had slowed down to look at the man who could not take a hint.

Once again, they began to enter the bar, yet another comment from the freckled boy stopped them.

"I could take you."

Sighing under her breath, Jones took a single step back and angled herself so that she could watch the show.

Hex had stopped completely, and Jones felt his intimidating aura roll off of him in waves. She watched as the blonde boy gulped, audibly, before taking a quick glance at her and steading himself, with the slightest hint of a blush visible on his face.

Jones chose to ignore it.

However she watched with interest as the boy outstretched his arm, and in doing so, moved his overcoat in order to reveal his holster, with the gun he was just spinning around his finger inside.

The silence was tense, yet not a slither of doubt entered her mind that this was a waste of time.

In the instant that the boy had grasped his gun and took in a breath, Jones watched in satisfaction as Hex's fist connected with his cheek, instantly knocking the overconfident boy out, the force of the punch turning the body around in two perfect circles. As he landed roughly on the dust at the bottom of the stairs, Jones raised her eyes back to Hex, who had once again faced the door.

"Should've done that sooner."

Jones's teasing tone of voice made Hex grin before his features settled back into an expressionless mask, the scarred side of his face, gaping hole and mangled cheek providing more than enough impact to intimidate the masses.

Gesturing Jones to go first, the female tossed some of her long, blonde hair over her shoulder and adjusted her black hat before pushing open the doors and taking the lead.

The saloon was silent, aside from the footsteps of Calamity Jones and Jonah Hex. The music and chatter had cut off abruptly when the doors opened. Jones liked to think it was because of their reputation.

A few heckles began to come Jones's way, her black skirt being a bit too short and her brown button up shirt being a bit too small to be considered appropriate, but they were quickly quietened when Jonah followed her inside, his imposing figure casting a shadow of protection over the younger woman.

With the both of them heading straight to the bar, Jones spied a blonde saloon girl who was watching them, her face covered with heavy makeup but her eyes ringing through an expression of… hope?

Before Jones could eyeball her more, the partners reached the bar table. Standing behind the stools at the counter, Hex pulled out a piece of paper, a bounty poster of the man (named 'Red') who the pair had been hunting down for weeks. Showing it to the bartender, Hex asked if "he'd seen him". When the reply came back negative, Hex and Jones looked up at the round, moustached man. She decided to give him another chance.

"Are you sure?"

"…Uh-huh."

Jones only had to eye the glass that was trembling in the man's hands as he cleaned it to know that he was a liar. A quick double tap on the counter informed that Hex knew that too.

"Put a couple of drinks on the bar and go away."

Sitting on the right of Hex, Jones fiddled with the bottom corner of her bandana with one hand, while resting her chin on the other, propped up by the table.

The click of heels on wooden flooring coming towards them paused her fiddling and turning to her left she saw the blonde lady from earlier step in-between the two people.

"I've seen him."

Sensing that the comment was more directed at Hex, Jones resumed her front-facing position, still keeping in tune with the conversation next to her.

"Talk."

As the bartender slid their drinks across to them, all three of them waited till he left to serve another customer before the conversation resumed.

"I help you, will you help me?"

Grabbing her beer with her free hand, Jones threw back her drink and finished it within only a few gulps, the bitter taste one that she found familiar.

"What kinda help?"

Placing the glass back on the table, Jones began to survey the room, her eyes resting for a moment on two men who had begun to get out of their chairs, yet stopped and settled back in them once they noticed her gaze. One was broad and bald, the other wearing a hat not dissimilar from Hex's, however, he was a lot stumpier and had a beard that was more likened to a birds nest. They glared at her in suspicion, but she only continued her look around the room.

"Enough money to leave town."

Hex took an audible sip of beer and placed it back down, gesturing towards Jones.

Noticing the woman and Hex both looking at her, Jones reached into her corset that she wore underneath her long-sleeved button-up and pulled up a small wad of cash that would easily be enough to get a ride to a few other towns. Placing it on the table, she watched in amusement as the woman's eyes widened in shock at the amount.

"That should be enough."

The pretty blonde gave a small nod to Jones in thanks and agreement.

"Madam Lorraine," the lady began "she picks the well-heeled ones. They go upstairs, they ain't ever seen again."

Both bounty hunters looked up, noticing the doors to a few rooms that no doubt their a man had entered.

Picking up the money, Hex handed it to the woman.

"Take your reward."

Leaning over, the floor squeaked as the lady took the money and kissed Hex on his scarred cheek, before turning around, pulling down Jones's bandana slightly before she too, received a grateful kiss on the cheek. The woman then walked towards a door at the side of the bar. Opening it, she took one last glance at the pair before a smile crossed her face and she walked out.

Finishing up his drink, Hex looked over at Jones in amusement, the young girl catching his glace and swiftly looking away, praying that her bandana covered the pink hue that scattered itself across her face.

"Hey loud-ass, set up the house."

Waving a bill that Jones had slipped him, the bar erupted in whoops and cheers at the sound of free booze. Women that sat on or across men stood up, their scantily clad bodies urging more men to follow.

However the duo's gaze wasn't on them. Instead, they watched inconspicuously at a beautiful woman dressed in red walk down the stairs. Hearing Hex tap on the table thrice, Jones got up and joined the group of drunks, finding another glass being passed into her hands. Sitting on a rounded table, she transformed from a stoic 17-year-old into a flirty young lady, finding a boy young enough, and relatively attractive (mousy brown hair with a strong jaw, broad shoulders and standing at a decent height) and beginning to stake her claim on him.

But before she pretended to lose herself in the alcohol, she watched as Hex and (who she assumed to be) Madam Lorraine converse, before Hex followed her up the stairs and into a room, pulling the door shut behind him.

Catching a glance of movement out of the corner of her eye, she caught the two men she had previously spied heading out a side door, the taller bald man grabbing an axe from the wall next to the door. Making a noise of complaint, she turned her attention back to the young male she had been eyeing, her second glance seeming to be one of invitation, as he made his way over, sitting down on the seat in front of her.

"I didn't think that the Calamity Jones would be such a pretty rounder*."

Rolling her eyes good-naturedly, she inched closer to him, her legs hanging off the table and around the chair he was sitting in.

"Watch your mouth mister. You can't be between hay and grass*."

Feigning offence, the man leant closer to her, however, she pulled away and took a swing of her booze.

Tuning her ears into the faint banging that was coming from upstairs, Jones supposed she could play along for a little bit. The poor boy was clearly interested.

Leaning in again, Jones lent down towards his ear, her bandana-covered mouth brushing over his skin.

"Then again, You'll never break a horse if you stay sittin' on the fence*."

Feeling a shiver go down his spine, she let out a squeak of surprise when his arm reached around behind her, unnoticed, pulling her forward and off the table, onto his lap in one swift motion.

"I like the way you think darlin'."

Breathing a laugh, she winked at him, swinging the rest of her drink down her throat. Placing her glass back down on the table, Jones began to play with his hair, the dark brown tufts as easily manipulated as the boy in front of her. His grip on her waist tightened, and she found herself to be chest to chest.

"What's your name handsome?" She drawled, his eyes becoming half-lidded as he stared at her, her arms around his neck, hands still fiddling with his hair.

"Ben Stein darlin', but you can call me yours for as long as you'll have me."

Internally cringing at his 'smoothness', Jones tried to ignore the comment that had very quickly taken her out of the mood. Thankfully, she was saved when the door to the room that Hex had disappeared into burst open, the taller man from before splintering the wooden railings and landing on the table she had first sat on.

Kicking into gear, Jones cartwheeled over the chair the boy sat in, frozen in shock, with one hand, the other going up her thigh to grab her hidden hostler, housing a revolver. Cocking it, she fired a shot at the unconscious man, rendering him dead as a spray of blood sprung from the wound. Landing, she pulled the boy down to the ground. Three shots fired and she looked up to see the bartender firing at Hex with a shotgun she assumed he had pulled from underneath the bar. Taking aim once more, Jones fired in unison with Hex and the man, all six combined bullets hitting their target successfully.

Spinning her gun around her finger and pocketing it back in her hidden hostler and tugging her skirt back down to cover it up. Confident there would be no more threats, Jones started walking outside in order to grab the duo's horses.

Something told her they'd need a cart too.

Exiting just in time to hear Hex speak some one-liner about the "drinks being on the house", she gave one last glance to the young man who was still on the ground, staring at her in awe. Tilting her hat to him, she coyly waved her fingers in his direction before heading outside to go find a cheap cart.

The road on which Madam Lorraine had directed them to go was long, barren and twisted. Just like all the roads before this, dust from the horses' hooves trailed behind them.

Calamity Jones sat in the cart behind the lady, revolver pressed between her shoulder blades.

"Just a safety precaution" Calamity had told her. "Don't test your luck."

The only indication that Madam Lorraine had heard the young girl was the smirk that seemed to grow even larger on her face. Yet, even with her appeared dismissal of the gun, the black-haired lady didn't move a muscle and even stopped attempting to hold a conversation with either of them.

She had, in fact, tried to gauge some reaction of either person she was stuck with, but her attempts were only met with silence. For example:

"What's with the silent treatment, you seemed much more entertaining when we were alone."

(Directed at Hex) Nothing.

"What's a pretty young filly doing with such an old man? Did you two decide to elope upon the dusty road?"

(Directed at Jones) Not even a twitch.

Eventually, much to the relief of both partners she did, eventually, get the bright idea to shut up. Opting to only provide directions if they happened to get at a crossroad.

Soon enough after a long ride and an even longer uncomfortable silence, Jonah Hex and Calamity Jones reached their destination, an old abandoned town with an old mineshaft, that their captive, Madam Lorraine, oh so eagerly provided directions to. As the three people hopped off the cart, Hex pulling out his own firearm and training it on the red-clad woman.

A quick glance and a flicker of the eyes told Calamity that Hex would prefer her to stay on the cart. A small sigh and a smaller nod brought the matter to an agreement and she climbed back onto the cart, this time sitting up the front and holding the reigns to the horses, lifting her skirt up and putting her revolver away.

Madam Lorraine raised an eyebrow at this.

"Oh? Your girlfriend isn't coming."

Rolling her eyes, the girl in question scoffed.

Disappointed again with the lack of reaction, Madam Lorraine let out a sound of disapproval before walking Hex over to the large pit that was left in the ground. Once they disappeared from sight, having used ropes to aid them in safely dropping down, Calamity Jones decided she needed some much-needed sleep and proceeded to close her eyes, lie down across the wooden slab of the seat and wait for Jonah Hex to come back.

She wasn't even able to properly doze off before he came back, carrying with him the body of Red, whose bounty was a hefty $500.

"I thought you'd be in there for longer."

"Sorry to disappoint."

Cracking a hidden grin, Jones watched as Hex dumped the body behind them, before sitting back up and making room for him. As he joined her at the front of the cart, she handed him the reigns which he took.

"Hiyah!"

A crack of the reigns set their horses off, heading back down the trail to the town they had left when the sun was high in the sky. Now, the sun was just about gone, a crimson sky greeting them as they began their journey back.

"So I saw you met a guy."

Turning to gape at him, her eyes filled with questions, he chuckled and returned her gaze with teasing glittering in his eyes, his non-scarred face showing a grin.

"In that bucket of blood?* Yeah right."

"Hmm I dunno CJ, you two seemed pretty close. I thought he was about to run afta you when you left."

Jones rolled her eyes for what seemed to be the umpteenth time that day.

"I reckon you liked that blonde filly's attention more though."

Spluttering, Calamity felt her face boil red in a mix of embarrassment and indignation.

"Please, if anyone she had eyes for you Hexy."

A hum escaped his lips as he faced the front once, the two lapsing into a comfortable silence.

The sun now gone, Calamity tried to stifle a yawn that threatened to escape her lips. However, her efforts were futile as a choke of air signalled to Jonah that his partner in crime was getting tired.

"CJ, if you're needing a bit of shut-eye…"

Groaning an affirmative noise, Calamity leant her head against Hex's broad shoulder, her mind curious about how the woman, Madam Lorraine, was going to spend her night. Sleeping with corpses was never fun, CJ knew that from experience, but the notion of spending her dying breath with them was something she knew she'd never face.

Not while Jonah Hex was around, anyways.


End file.
